so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
