If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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