Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize