I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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