i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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