like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
