Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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