All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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