I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
