I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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