By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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