So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
