my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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