Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
