You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
