i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
