One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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