so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
