I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
