Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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