Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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