hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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