I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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