i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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