Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
