I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
