Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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