Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize