I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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