if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
