I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I skipped work to stalk him.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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