my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
