cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she peed on how many people?
My vagina just recognized that song.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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