Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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