When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
