After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
