I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
