the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
