Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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