Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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