Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
