I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Green mimosas i think yes
I just found a bag of teeth...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
