Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
