i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
