all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
