Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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