Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
