Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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