Define "chronic" masturbator.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
