i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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