Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
