I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
