dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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