True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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