508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
