Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
